Featured Artwork: ‘What If?’ by Roxana Radulescu

*Note: This piece is purely satirical. All quotes are works of fiction.

. . .

What if homosexuality were considered normal, and heterosexuality unnatural?

A new study from Pfizer Inc. has revealed that heterosexuality is indeed a mental disease. The results were submitted to a peer-reviewed journal and verified by a committee of the nation’s top researchers in the field of heterosexuality and highly disturbed individuals. 

We talked to six people — from parents to children to professors — about their thoughts regarding the emergent “hetero” mental disease. Here are our conversations, cut down for clarity and length:

Hans Kane, Homosexual, Male

Many heterosexual individuals suffer greatly from the backlash of a generally homosexual-structured society. Do you support heterosexual rights?

Well, you see, I’m a homosexual man and I’ve been all my life. I have a steady 9-5 job, two lovely children, and the sweetest, most loving husband I could ask for. Now, to answer your question, I believe that heterosexuality is a sin. It says so in the Bible, and it’s there for everyone to say and it’s a fact. But I can’t control a person’s life. I don’t have a say if a man decides to kiss a woman, I think it’s some disgusting stuff, but you know, you can’t control people’s personal lives. I’m fine with them if they don’t shove their personal lives in front of me, but you see, most heterosexuals do and that’s the problem I have with them. They make it their whole persona, you know, with those straight rom-com movies and everything. I’m telling you I have this thing called a “straight-dar”, I can just smell it on ‘em. It’s a dogged smell to be sure, I can smell it from miles away at this point. I can tell because those heterosexuals make their sexuality their whole personality when it’s really nobody’s business but their own.

Dr. Evangelia Catamaran, Homosexual, Female

I understand that you practice clinical psycho-physio therapy, particularly with heterosexual teenagers. What is the current mental state of these teenagers, and how do you help them?

I’ve been practicing clinical psycho-physio therapy with heterosexual teenagers for twenty years. I’ve had many experiences and each of them is unique, but in layman’s terms: these teenagers are sick. They’ve been caught on to this fantasy of the opposite sex — their very physical, moral, and ethical boundaries are being cut-and-dried as we speak, even if these heterosexual relations continue to occur. They are undergoing a psychosis of sorts that they choose in their quest for this fantasy. We classify these heterosexual relations on three stages of psychosis: primary, secondary, and tertiary, the last of which requires the most serious and invasive processes. The primary level consists of media — all sorts of famous gay films, novels, articles, videos, etc. This is the least involved of all of them. If the patient is unresponsive to the primary stage and does not accept homosexuality, we progress to the secondary stage. The patient in the secondary stage will need to spend time with a member of the same sex and conduct a romantic and sexual relationship. If the patient in the secondary stage is still unresponsive and remains heterosexual, we have two final options: chemical castration or surgery. The former is a set of pills, taken across an interval period of time, and the latter is a lobotomy of sorts when the inner cerebellum is extracted. These three stages have ensured that my patients free themselves of the curse that is heterosexuality. 

Tobias Neron, Homosexual, Male

Researchers argue that a child’s sexual orientation may completely vary depending on the environment that they are raised in. How are you raising your child?

We had Ebert, my baby boy, three years ago, and he’s grown into such a lovely little boy. I actually teach preschool and kindergarten too and I bring Ebert to school sometimes. My understanding of the matter is that heterosexuality is a choice, it deviates from normal homosexuality — knowing that, you can really just control someone’s sexuality by surrounding them with different things. For us, when we bring Ebert out we’ll kiss and cuddle a bit, a peck on the cheeks here and there. When we see heterosexual couples in public we shield his little eyes. In preschool and elementary school we’ll read many books. Many of these books are magical, but in the end, the message is that homosexual love can triumph all, whether be a curse, a splinter, or whatever you please. When my students pair up in lines we make sure to have them holding hands with the same sex. When we do art lab, we have stencils and color-in-the-books of homosexual couples, just to be sure. When we have time and we can watch a little movie, I prefer an old classic, like Gone With the Gay, to show. Sure, it might be a bit advanced for our students but what we want to do is ensure that our children are being raised the right way, and I am sure that this is more than effective.

Ezra Erasmus, Homosexual, Male

Pfizer’s study covers the alarming increase of heterosexual activity in teenagers. Is that true?

I mean, my high school is pretty nerdy, so finding people to date is pretty exasperating at times. But there are some people who do date and most of them are normal, but there’ve been a few cases where it’s been really uncomfortable. It happened in my junior year when I was using the bathroom. Our stalls are built so that there are only people of the opposite gender allowed in with us because there have been some couples making out and stuff. But this was so horrible, I couldn’t even say it for days after it happened. I went into the bathroom and saw this heterosexual couple. I walked in on them, it was so horrid. It’s also pretty disgusting too because heterosexuals flaunt it, too, you know, they make it their entire personality, their entire look, and everything. I just wish that they could cover it up. It’s so messed up.

Dr. Ryder Zenar, Homosexual, Female

Anthropology is an extremely interesting subject that you study. Where does heterosexuality fall into this field?

I’ll start with a barebones definition of anthropology. We study human culture, society, how they develop over time, and occasionally on the future trajectory of it. Now, to answer the notion of heterosexuality — this has existed over much of humanity. That in itself is undeniable. The fact of this is irrelevant, however, when considering the fate of the ancient heterosexuals. They were not successful in society; rather, brought down their homosexual peers, and passed on horrible illnesses through intercourse. This is nothing to aspire to. This is rather a cruel twist that heterosexuals play on homosexuals, in their choice to be with the opposite sex, to bring down society’s progress and fruition. What we can learn from the ugly history of heterosexuality is, in the end, that with it ever-present, the world shall not rest — from Gilgamesh to the age of TikTok, as we study in anthropology — heterosexuality is all at once a curse, an illness, and a danger to humanity. 

Anonymous, N/A, N/A

What is your understanding of sexuality, for your age?

I don’t exactly know what my sexuality is, but I know sexuality is attraction and what gender you are attracted to. I’m still in elementary, so I don’t really think of it, but I personally don’t mind either way of it — gender, sexuality, or anything. I think it’s all very fluid, moving like water in a sense, like a lake near my house that I like to take swims in. I like the sunsets at the lakeshore near dusk, and at one moment, suspended between day and night, there might just be a rainbow above the lake, expanding past the mountains and into the sky.