Tired of Feeling Tired – #BLM

Featured Artwork: Sacrée Frangine

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This is a stream of consciousness that is based on events from the past couple of days. Writing serves as a catharsis for me, and I hope that others can resonate with these thoughts, and feel safe about the things they have been going through recently. 

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About two weeks ago, I had made the vow to create content that isn’t solely based on trauma. I told myself that I wouldn’t write articles on only my struggles, that I wouldn’t only share rants on current issues. I told myself that I should allow myself to be versatile in the work I do.

Often times, minorities are placed into a box where we’re only allowed to speak on our traumas (or the traumas of our community that we haven’t even experienced), or we can only speak on issues that affect our identities, and we aren’t allowed to speak on “mundane” things like beauty, tech, movies, etc. and we should only be the mouthpiece for minority issues. I wanted to reject that notion through the diversification of my work.

And then George Floyd was murdered, and Breonna Taylor, and Tony McDade, and countless other Black people who I cannot even list because the list would go on and on and on. The murder of George Floyd has been signified as the straw that broke the camel’s back. People have been out in the streets for Ahmaud Arbery, but now they’ve come out in droves, angry and hurt, and demanding retribution for the unjust oppression that Black people have faced for much too long.

And so, I have turned again to my platforms to serve as a place for people to receive information about what is currently happening because after all, that is the work I signed up for right? I chose to be a source, I chose to be an advocate, so it is expected I push through the fatigue.

But I simply do not have the energy anymore. Every day in the morning I have tried my best to stay off my phone and give myself some time to just be, but it has been exceedingly difficult these past couple of days. I have felt the urge to stay up to date with every single thing happening, every single update, every new occurrence because I am seen as a beacon of information. But I am t i r e d.

I am tired of being tired. I am tired of the fact that this is a fight that we still have to have! I am tired of the fact that my brothers, at just 13 years of age, are scared of law enforcement. That they’ve seen what this country has done to folks who look like them, and that they fear the same fate. I am tired of having to worry about the fact that someday I want to bring some Black babies into this world, and if I don’t help to fix it before they come, they will be caught up in this perpetual cycle of racial-based violence. I am tired of feeling as if I have to be up to date when I really should take time to rest.

My mind has always been a jumbled mess. I’ve always had racing thoughts, but now my thoughts have been consumed with my livelihood, the livelihood of my family, my Black friends, my boyfriend. It has been consumed with fear for the future. I wish I knew how to rest. I hope that after I pen this piece a sustainable, permanent solution is found.

To my fellow Black folks, I know you must be tired too. I feel for you, I am here for you. We are allowed to feel exhausted, we cannot continue to force ourselves to work from a place of exhaustion. Take a break, recuperate, and then come back when you’re ready. I hope that we’ll be able to finally live our lives carefree, create content based in nothingness, and not have to continuously share our trauma in order to matter. Stay safe, I love you.

To my non-Black folks, please use your energy and privilege to support the Black community. We need rest, we can’t be the only ones advocating for ourselves. If you don’t know where to start, Google is your best friend. Google first, ask for clarification from others after. This fight cannot be won unless we gain help from those who are systemically higher than us. My Instagram is @_hafeezatI have resources there you can use.

#BlackLivesMatter