Hey you,

It’s been a while.

I hope you have been taking care of yourself.

I know I walked out on you when you needed me the most,

And I know I walked out on you when you were at your worst.

I know you must hate me now,

But rest assured,

For I have put myself through enough repentance for it,

And I hate myself too.

I think about what I did to you,

And every night something strange occurs within me.

A cold shiver runs down my whole body,

It makes me want to cause myself some terrible pain,

It makes me want to undo myself,

And makes me want to tear myself apart,

Into a thousand shattered pieces.

But darling,

You must understand why I wasn’t there to catch you at the other end of your fall,

You must understand why I let you slip right through…

I know it’s not going to be easy,

And you’d say that I have a very twisted mind,

But you have got to understand when I tell you,

That whatever I did was just what was best for you.

I know I haven’t been able to make it up to you,

But I promise you,

I’ve been looking at you ever since that day,

And I’m proud of how you are trying to heal yourself.

You won’t understand now why I walked away,

You only have to trust me when I say that it was for your best.

You won’t understand now why I had to walk away,

But I hope you do,

A few years down the line,

When you do come across this letter some day.

Do not cry for me,

For I will have long been gone,

But remember that I have loved you and always will,

And remember that you’ll always find me in your heart.

I had to do this,

It was the best thing for you and I.

I had to undo myself completely,

To let you survive.

I may not be physically present,

But then again I never really was.

You just felt me when the agonizing ache in your entire body left you writhing in pain.

But you are so naive,

You never realized that I was the inferno,

Opening up all your wounds just when they were about to heal.

I was made of destruction,

I was made to destruct,

And I pulled you into my vortex.

I was the artist of a tragic masterpiece,

An artist taking pleasure in pain,

And I chose you as my subject.

So do not regret over what happened,

But rather grow along with the flowers that have sprouted in your garden,

For I was nothing but the cause of your undoing,

And you must be glad that I am no longer there to linger around in empty hallways.

I’d say I regret causing you so much pain,

But the truth is,

I thrived on it.

But I also knew when you could no longer bear the pain,

That is when my fire simmered down,

And I pulled back the reigns.

So don’t look back now and try to find me,

But rather be happy that your aches have lessened.

For one of us had to go under,

To let the other climb higher.


Yours truly,

The old you that killed herself.

Rida Khan

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